Critical Thinking Assignment | Get Paper Help

My essay has been graded already, since I didn’t do the proofread, It requires some editing. Please follow the comments in the attached file and fix the errors.

Mohamed Jaffar Salih
Professor Greg Christensen
English 101C-08
27 June 2020
Comments & Grade Marks (20-point rubric)
Good start Mohamed. In terms of the analysis task, this is fine work. You do a nice job of explaining and defending
your conclusions here with well-developed analysis and textual support. The piece is well-focused with opening topic
and closing arguments that help to “bookend” and complete your discussion in most of your paragraphs. You also
do a convincing job of maintaining a sufficiently critical tone, voice and position as you unwrap your analysis, which
is what good academic analysis should always do. There is some very nice argument analysis here and a lot of very
strong writing work as well. Lots to work on still though too, mostly at the sentence level. See notes below.
Please proofread more carefully for sentence-level errors in your writing. Remember that this is an advanced essay
course – it assumes you already know how to create consistently correct sentences and paragraphs before your
work gets to me so that we can build on those skills in your essay work.
Read and reread, out loud and on paper (not just the computer screen), sentence by sentence, scanning for only one
error pattern at a time. I’m looking for meticulously well-proofread writing, start to finish. Please refer to the
materials in the Resources module of this course for additional help with proofreading strategies and repairing your
own error patterns.
You’re welcome to revise and resubmit this work if you wish. Please do so via Inbox message document attachment.
Revisions need to be comprehensive: read my comments here and then apply them carefully throughout your new
work – particularly in areas I have not marked on this version.
Remember to insert the word REVISION in all caps into your new document title before you send it. You will have
two weeks from the date I return your work to you to complete your revision; after that, essay grades will revert to
what they are now in the grade book without the option for revision.
Assignment Requirements, formatting & proofreading 2/4
Thesis & Argument Form, focus & appropriateness to task 3.5/4
Language Focus, coherence & cohesion 3/4
Paragraph Development, support & construction 3/4
Sentence Control & correctness: diction & grammar 2.5/4
Late (2 pts = -10%) -/20
Total 14/20
20 = 100% A 17 = 85% B 14 = 70% C-
19 = 95% A 16 = 80% B- 13 = 65% D
18 = 90% A- 15 = 75% C 12 = 60% DNote
that I only mark error patterns, not every error. You are expected to note these patterns and then actively apply the lessons
I include on fixing them to all of your essay work on your own. Revisions are evaluated based on whether or not those error
patterns have been effectively addressed throughout the entire essay – particularly the areas of the essay that I have not already
marked up for you. You can review some of the most common error patterns along with detailed explanations of how to spot
and fix them in Proofreading Notes and other editing documents found within the course.
2
Essay #1
“The Importance of Work” is an essay which is written from the Feminine Mystique book
by author Betty Friedan in 1963. Author Friedan wrote a lot of books about issues that are related
with feminism. This essay is focused on part of her work. Betty Friedan was the first president of
the National Organization for Women, an author and an activist. However, in “The Importance
of Work” essay which is written based on the feminine mystery book by author Freidan
discusses how women have been trapped in the house without realizing their own identity by
limiting their freedom and growth a century ago. Women are equal to men, where she should
also have some type of identity in life, and that will be gained through working. Additionally, the
purpose of her writing is to encourage women to work equally as men since work defines women
identity. The author supports her argument effectively in her work. The argument uses a variety
of evidence in showing the need for women to be free and is extremely persuasive throughout by
its use of ethos, pathos, and logos and thus proves the successful argument of the author work.
Commented [gc1]: Ineffective and/or missing titling – Do
you have (other) title ideas here? Think about your thesis,
or about your overall sense of the work as expressed in your
essay discussion. The name of the assignment is not an
effective essay title.
Is there a way to creatively encapsulate that in your title so
that we will have a sense right up front of where you stand
or what you’ll be addressing in your discussion?
Titles should give us real information but they should also
tease us in a compelling way so that we’ll read on. This is
true whether your work is a summary description or a
sustained critical analysis, or something in between.
Commented [gc2]: This is not a sentence. Remember that
sentences typically require a clear subject-verb
construction, usually but not always up front, in order to
qualify as an independent clause – a freestanding sentence
that expresses a clear and complete thought.
Subjects and verbs need to agree and be in the correct
form, and sections of the sentence need to be joined
together correctly, using the rules of either sentence
coordination or subordination.
Proofread your work carefully for clarity and correctness.
Commented [gc3]: Noun-Pronoun agreement error. Nouns
must “agree” in number and person with all the pronouns
that refer back to them.
Here are two common examples:
“The reader” gets paired with “he or she,” not “their,”
because the noun is singular, not plural. “Readers,”
however, gets a “they” or “their” pronoun, because it’s
plural.
“Audience” gets an indefinite singular pronoun “it,” not a
“they” or “their,” because it’s a collective, singular noun
(composed of many people, but still one thing).
Commented [gc4]: Strong thesis formulation: A clear
subjective position that’s very well-articulated, appropriate
to the assignment, and a nuanced and compelling
observation of argument and strategy on which you can
build a textual analysis to follow. Nicely done.
3
The author supports women to go to work in her writing for “self-realization” or “Selffulfilment”
or “identity” (para. 2). She describes this in her text as, “For “self-realization” or
“self-fulfillment” or “identity” does not come from looking into a mirror in rapt contempt of
one’s own image” (para. 2). People should take efforts to find out their own identity. The above
point is the thesis work of the author where it illustrates the overall main idea of the text. The
Commented [gc5]: 2 problems here:
Missing topic position statement. Good start, but your
opening here lacks a subjective position that reiterates an
aspect of the thesis argument and forms the main topic of
the paragraph.
Instead what you’ve got is a description or report, a
summary of the text and/or a lead-in to a textual reference
– and those won’t work for internal paragraph topic
statements in a close textual analysis as this essay is.
You need a subjective evaluation of the success or failure
of specific, named argument strategies or forms here first
BEFORE you explain, summarize or introduce the bit of text
you’re looking at that illustrates that position.
AND:
Bookending – Don’t open or close paragraphs with a textual
reference. Your own ideas are always more important than
the author’s and you should be using them to support and
amplify you, not the other way around.
Allowing a source to speak first or last gives the impression
that you’re allowing the source to synthesize your ideas for
you, which you don’t want. Never let another author speak
for you.
“Bookend” textual references with your own full topic and
summary statements, analysis and transition work before
and then again after lead-ins to quotes or paraphrases.
Sandwich textual references in the middle for support and
illustration, and place your own extended analysis work on
both sides of the textual material.
Always begin and end with your own ideas and writing,
instead making those other sources speak after you or in
support of you.
4
author laid out the thesis very well in her essay and she is arguing that her thesis is valid by
supporting more evidence in her work.
Commented [gc6]: Incorrect verb tense / verb form. Write
about the text consistently in the present tense, not past
tense and not a mix of multiple tenses in the same
sentence. That’s the standard convention for this kind of
academic writing.
Please proofread carefully for this error pattern in your
work.
(Adopt the past tense only when directly describing
something specific from the text that is already described in
the past tense by the writer him/herself. Otherwise, stay in
the present tense.)
Commented [gc7]: Misplaced topic sentence(s) – Good.
This statement(s) is your actual topic argument because
here you’re subjectively evaluating the work in a way that
connects us back to your thesis formulation as you should
be instead of just reporting on what you see, i.e.
summarizing the work or introducing it with simple
description.
As such, it belongs at the head of the paragraph, not buried
down here. It needs to set the argumentative topic focus for
the whole paragraph, not follow it. Move this line to the
start of the paragraph.
This is the kind of evaluative statement – one that
consciously argues and extends a portion of your original
thesis formulation – that we need to see leading every one
of your internal paragraphs, always.
Remember that your task here is analysis of the language
and the writing strategies the writer uses to communicate
with us, not summary or debate of the ideas found within
the work. It doesn’t much matter what the work is about;
what matters is how the writer writes about it, and whether
you think those writing choices are effective, and why you
think so.
Putting a statement at the head of your paragraph that
focuses us on how well the writer writes can help you
achieve that rhetorical goal throughout the paragraph.
Whereas, if you begin with textual summary you typically
tend to stay only with the summary, without venturing into
the kind of close analysis of the language that I’m really
looking for here.
5
Initially, the author supported her argument thoroughly with relevant sources, which
makes her writing as extremely persuasive, where the author uses ethos in her argument. When
the author talks about the current working society and the men’s identity, it evokes ethos where it
tries to convenience the audience to the credibility of the author. According to the author
Friedan, “This can be most clearly seen in our own abundant society; men no longer need to
work all day to eat. They have an unprecedented freedom to choose the kind of work they will
do; they also have an unprecedented amount of time apart from the hours and days that must
actually be spent in making a living” (para. 3). This quote shows that the way people identify
themselves have changed, and it is different now than it used to be. People are used to defining
their identity through the work they do, But, now their freedom of time and choice for which job
they choose, they are now identified by their service to a higher purpose. This argument supports
the author’s main point that women should have equal rights as men where they can have the
Commented [gc8]: Good. A focused, well-articulated
evaluative topic opening that echoes and extends your
thesis formulation (or what it should be) and gives us a clear
enough idea of where you’re taking the discussion.
This is the kind of evaluation-based sentence we’re looking
for at the head of every internal paragraph after the
introduction.
Commented [gc9]: Astute identification of the appeals the
author uses in his/her persuasive speech. You’re right to
discuss them here, as they’re clearly linked in strategy to
other forms of persuasive argumentation deployed in the
piece.
Commented [gc10]: Perceptive discussion regarding how
form is linked to meaning. You’re linking the choices a
writer makes (or doesn’t make) to use certain rhetorical
strategies and argumentative modes to his/her effort to
communicate intent.
Form frames and justifies content in good writing and image
work. This is exactly the kind of connection you should be
reaching for in your textual interrogation here. Very good.
Commented [gc11]: Smart deployment of cited textual
specifics here to support and anchor your conclusions.
Commented [gc12]: Noun-Verb agreement error. Nouns
must “agree” in number with all of the verbs that are
connected to them. For example, in the sentence “Myths
defines a culture” the verb defines does not “agree” with its
subject because it’s singular, yet the word myths is plural.
Both words need to be either singular, or plural – this is
called “agreement.” In this example, one or the other of
those two words will have to drop its “s” in order to agree in
number with the other word.
Please proofread carefully for this error pattern in your
work.
6
freedom to choose the work they want to do. While women are trapped by domestic roles and
feminine ideals that stops their freedom and growth. Moreover, the author used the relevant
example based on today’s society where it significantly supports his main point.
_________________________________________________________________
Please proofread and edit the rest of your work above and below this red line on your own by looking for the same
error patterns & clarity issues I have marked above.
However, the author wants the readers to understand the men’s role in society; therefore,
she explains and argues a lot about the men in the society and their role. This is done so that the
woman can understand and change their identity by making themselves freedom, not just
occupation as housewife but something bigger than that, where the author explains that as a
career. One of the argument that best demonstrate the given words is, “Man no longer finds
identity in the work defined as a paycheck job, assumes that identity for man comes through
creative work of his own that contributes to the human community: the core of the self becomes
aware, becomes real, and grows through work that carries forward human society (para. 5).” This
is a strong and persuasive argument since the author makes the audience, especially the women,
aware of today’s society in regard to job opportunities and how they can assume the role of the
men where the men’s identity comes from his creativity not through his work. This assumption is
made after reading the word “assume” where the author is trying to convey to the audience to
think of it.
In addition, the author describes in her text that, “A women today who has no goal, no
purpose, no ambition patterning her days into the future, making her stretch and grow beyond
that small score of years in which her body can fill its biological function, is committing a kind
Commented [gc13]: Dependent or subordinating fragment.
Watch sentences that begin with prepositions or adverbial
conjunctions like around, about, which, while, when,
whereas, whether, to, thus, therefore, by, also, as well as,
as/like, so, so that, such as, especially, although, until,
unless, since, then, because, though/although, through,
even though, for example, etc.
These are special conjunction words are designed to join
two or more whole thoughts together, not begin a partial
thought that goes unfinished.
If you begin a sentence with one of these kinds of
conjunctions, you must make sure to have two separate
thoughts in the sentence that are separated by a comma
with one thought being dependent on the other, like this:
“While I type this sentence, I am also listening to music.”
If you forget to include the comma that joins your partial
thought to a whole one, or if you forget to include the
whole sentence thought entirely that would normally
accompany a dependent clause, you end up with a
fragment like you have here.
This rule is true irrespective of whether or not you have
included a textual quote or paraphrase in your sentence.
You always need a grammatically complete thought in every
sentence you write. Proofread carefully for this error
pattern in your work.
7
of suicide (para. 11).” This argument is effective since most of the females in the world want to
be the same as their mom, where most moms were not educated, and they took care of their child
and family, where they were involved in household responsibilities, where fathers of the
household make money and do the job. She wants the audience to understand that education is
important, and nothing would determine the identity of females unless they put effort into
achieving their goals. Since the world is filled with equal opportunities for both male and
females regardless of work and family, they should get out from the trapped thought that females
are only housewives, where they cannot go to work. The phrase “is committing a kind of
suicide” helps determine this argument as pathos, where it evokes sadness among the audience.
The use of ethos appeal works well to communicate the message of the piece to the reader. This
is because when the reader reads the text of the author, the reader will be motivated and they
themselves realize where they will be more energetic and take part in some action to bring
themselves from the trap. Moreover, the argument is well communicated to the audience and it is
used effectively and helps bring a conclusion for the text that the author is trying to explain
females are strong enough to achieve the goal and work similar like a man. A woman with no
goal is a woman with no identity. when certain actions and efforts are not taken, the identity of
the person will be unknown to the world.
Furthermore, the author is using logos in her work which makes her work extremely
persuasive. She is using logos when she compares the world a century ago. “The identity crisis
for women did not begin in America until the fore and strength and ability of the pioneer women
were no longer needed, no longer used, in the middle-class homes of the Eastern and Midwestern
cities, when the pioneering was done and men began to build the new society in industries and
profession outside the house” (para. 7). This argument is strongly supported by the author in her
Commented [gc14]: Periods only after parenthetical
citations, not before them and not in both places.
In sentences that end with a parenthetical citation after
source material that’s been paraphrased or placed in
quotation marks, commas disappear and periods go only
after the citation. The parenthetical citation itself goes
outside the quotation marks as well.
8
text that women have a high respect in the society as men before the pioneering started outside of
the house. This statement does not only appeal to logos, but pathos as well. When the author
conveys this message to the readers it evokes the reader to be sad. In short, the author has well
implemented well the modes of persuasion such as: logos, pathos and ethos throughout his work.
Apart from this, the author effectively implements the argument in her work to let the
readers know that being a housewife does not give a woman an identity. Author Friedan states,
“A woman cannot find her identity through others- her husband, her children. She cannot find it
in the dull routine of housework” (para. 9). This quote suggests the reader to understand the main
concept of the author’s work. It clearly states that the author is trying to inspire the women to do
work that is outside of the home like men’s. Finally, the author well supports his thesis with
valid arguments.
Moreover, the author makes the reading successful to the reader by providing a relevant
argument at the end of his study by stating that “The feminine mystique has succeeded in
burying millions of American women alive” (para. 13). This paragraph is more supportive to
author points than any other paragraph. This sentence contributes to be the strongest of all other
arguments. It is because the author is trying to convince the audience that women have the equal
working opportunity as men after many struggles that are gone through by women to win the
freedom right for them to work. Similarly, the quote is more likely to match with the main idea
of the author’s work, that women should be released from the trapped place, and they should be
aware of their surroundings and just being a housewife does not give them their real identity.
They should also realize their freedom and the opportunity that has been provided for them.
Women’s should release themselves from the trap which is called housewife.
9
In conclusion, throughout the study, the author successfully explains his study in detail to
the readers, where the language is easy to understand. The author also constructed reasonable
and valid arguments in her work to make the readers easy to understand her work and to follow
along the subject. Additionally, the author uses a variety of imagery in her work, where it makes
the audience create a picture in mind especially, when she discusses the specific works that are
accomplished by American women during the first century. The author uses rhetorical strategies
in her work which makes her work to describe as extremely persuasive. The usage of a variety of
evidence makes the reading successful since the author was clearly on one main goal, that is
women are equal as men, where they should work to determine their identity. Also, the women
should put effort to come outside of the trap called housewife. If the person failures to do it, her
identity will be undefined in the society and more importantly, she will forfeit her own humanity.
Overall, the works thoroughly supported her argument regarding the women freedom and
equality.
Commented [gc15]: Unnecessary qualifier: Eliminate
language like “in conclusion,” “to sum up,” “all in all” or
similar that’s used to preface a conclusion. It’s clear from
the placement of this paragraph material that you’re
delivering a closing summary, so there’s no need to
announce it. Just move directly into your synthesis work.
If you take care to link us back to key points from earlier in
the paragraph or essay here in your closing summation and
speculative analysis work, the connections between points
made in this paragraph or between this paragraph and
previous ones will be obvious to us, and you won’t have to
lean on empty jargon and received speech that
unnecessarily announces what you’re already doing.
10
Works Cited
Friedan, Betty. “The Importance of Work.” Practical Argument – A Text and Anthology. Third
ed. Ed. Laurie G. Kirszner, Stephen R. Mandell. Boston & New York, Bedford St.
Martin’s, 2017. 757-763.
Kirszner, Laurie G., and Stephen R. Mandell. Practical Argument – A Text and Anthology. Third
ed. Boston & New York, Bedford St. Martin’s, 2017